Sleepless

I hear him at midnight. Mommy, he calls. I give him a minute. Sometimes he talks or calls out in his sleep, sometimes he decides he doesn't need me after all and goes back to sleep on his own. Then, a few minutes later - Daddy, Dadd-eeee. Mike is next to me, asleep for at least an hour by now, so I go to him.

I don't mind. I was wide awake anyway. I'd stayed up to finish my book and couldn't get comfortable; I stacked my pillows, punched them down, switched sides, but my neck ached. I flipped channels, turned Mike's face a little when his snoring grew louder. I watched the clock and counted, with each passing minute, how much less time I would have to sleep, if I ever fell asleep.

So when I go to Henry in his room, I'm actually relieved, happy for a few minutes of company.

He's standing in his crib, I can make out his silhouette. Mommy, he says, wanna come out. I tell him he needs to go back to sleep, and he responds, Not sleeping Mommy, wanna come out. Okay, I tell him, just for a few minutes, and I lift him out of the crib and up into my arms. Mike thoroughly disapproves of this, but he is asleep across the hall.

We settle onto the couch in Henry's room, I'm sitting and he collapses against me, facing me, legs straddling my lap. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and buries his face in my neck. We sit. I stroke his back and we sit in silence. I feel his thin back under my hand, the clammy skin on his neck against my cheek. I smell him. I can never get him to stay this still with me during the day.

We sit for five minutes, ten. I stand up and lift him back into his crib, tell him he needs to sleep. I turn on his music, pull his favorite blanket over him, tell him Goodnight I Love You like it's all one word.

I go back to bed and wait. At one a.m. I'm still awake and I hear him again. Mommy. I sit up and this time, Mike wakes up, too. He tells me to wait, and in a moment we hear Henry turn his music on, off, back on. He doesn't call out for me again.

I tell Mike I can't sleep and he says, Turn on your side, I'll rub your back. I do. I turn my back to him, we listen to Henry's music coming from the next room. I fall asleep almost immediately, and we all sleep for the rest of the night.